Joaquin Phoenix: Hideous is the New Black

Speechless. Words cannot describe the foulness that has become Joaquin Phoenix. Diddy can't believe it either. It looks as if he smells of maggots feasting on mold in a prison cell. He looks like Saddam when he crawled out of that hole. Joaquin decided he wanted to bath in liquid fecal matter before showering with sulfur and that gooey stuff that hits the mirror when you pop a zit. I bet he tastes like blue cheese after soaking on the hood of a car in a Jay Z video. I'd rather stare at Paris Hilton eating a carrot than his once-cute face. He redefines nasty right now. What happened? Did he dive into a rabbit hole of no-sex, drugs and more drugs? Did he harness the power of Oscar the Grouch? I don't understand!

Soderbergh: Genius or Crazy Town?

You decide. His recent chef d'ouvre in development sounds like either a complete disaster, a hilarious April Fools Joke, or a bad trip on acid.

Defamer writes:
It's long been rumored that Steven Soderbergh keeps a checklist in his wallet — a tattered index card on which he's scrawled dreams nurtured since before his sex, lies and videotape breakthrough nearly 20 years ago: "win an Oscar," "make a four-hour Socialist biopic," "work with a porn star," and alllll the way at the bottom, "shoot a completely fucked-up 3-D musical version of Cleopatra." Finally, with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Hugh Jackman in talks to star, he might be that much closer to crossing off that last Impossible Dream.

I'd go see this movie if Jackman plays Cleo. Do you think the 80's hit, "Walk Like and Egyptian" will make the score?

Read it in Variety

Makes Me Giggle

This video is pure smile-fest. Bollywood + Obama + belly dancing = smiley warm fuzzy.
Must watch, and tell me you didn't giggle.

Wes Anderson and Brad Pitt Make A Japanese French(?) Cellphone(?) Bank Commercial

Love how celebs do commercials internationally.

Hot New Music: Cut Copy

I heart these guys. Good times music. I'm eating a doughnut and walking my dog Music. I'm sharing cheese with a colleague and laughing about something Music. I'm skipping class Music.

"The band’s latest effort, In Ghost Colours, is a throwback to ’80s excess with big beats, major hooks and extreme emotions. It’s a thrill from start to finish, and so far the band has achieved massive success at home. Unfortunately, it hasn’t really blown up elsewhere. Stateside, pop radio doesn’t know what to do with them, though certain circles have embraced the group’s sounds and styles. Mainly hipsters and gays, naturally." Viva La Graham

Scientists Confirm Donatella Versace is Actually a Lizard

While vacationing this Christmas in St. Barts, Donatella Versace confirmed reports that the fashion mogul and ex coke-head is actually a lizard. A close relative of the Iguana, her leathery skin has been surgically covered with a human face. Scores of children were frightened to play on the beach, while others were thankful that her presence scared off pesky mosquitos and other annoying bugs.

Jon Stewart is My Hero

Thank God for this man. This discussion with Mike Huckabee and Jon Stewart's defense of gay rights brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Jon, you are truly amazing.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Hot Link of the Day

Seriously. No explanation needed:

http://www.pornfortheblind.org/

Eartha Kitt dies on Christmas Day

Eartha Kitt, Batman series 'Catwoman' and "Santa Baby" singer, 'international symbol of elegance and sensuality,' died on Christmas Day. Sadness.

Burger King Body Spray

Hottest Christmas present of the season y'all! Ricky's in NYC has sold out of Burger King's new Flame Broiled Whopper scented body spray. Yes, it smells like meat. I imagine there are thousands of men in Ohio who have women crawling all over them this holiday season. The midwest is fat. Really fat. And they love the smell of meat. I'm sure this campy marketing gimmick is actually turning some men and women on. Nothing says sex like a cheeseburger.

Have a look.

America's Got Crazy

Air travel is usually fun for me. Yesterday's flight from LAX to Chicago was hell. The creature I sat next to, Kate Andrews, told me about Busty Heart. Kate works in casting for America's Got Talent. The ugly stepsister of American Idol, the "show" allows any age and any talent to debase themself for 5 minutes of fame on national television. Busty Heart breaks things with her gigantic breasts.
Kate Andrews was foul. She wore a breathe right nose strip as she told me that the air quality in planes has dangerouly low oxygen counts. She blew her nose in a receipt, hadn't washed her hair in decades, told me how she doesn't wear deoderant and does not shave her legs or underarms. She definitely has never considered stopping at the L'oreal counter at Rite-Aid. She should cast herself on America's Got Talent, for being smelly poop girl.

America's Got Talent Clip: Busty Heart Uncensored

Photo of the Day

If Pamela makes it this long, she'll look like this.

Paris Hilton is Humping Gerard

The chiseled Scottish screen hunk from 300 is dating skankhole Paris Hilton. Her disease infested nether regions are primed for the 39 year old. Sometimes men cannot resist prostitutes. Sometimes one craves the baser, more vile side of sexuality.

A source said that the two tried to keep things on the down low while hanging out at Bar Deluxe in Los Angeles. Slutbag Hilton even has a nickname for Gerry. She calls him Braveheart.

Cheer Up Charlie

For those of you just coming down from a meth binge and feel like you're going to off yourself - this is for you. Are your seratonin levels in the down down dumps? Plug this sucker in and get to listenin'!

Funny Dudes

You may remember Michael Showalter's brilliant performance alongside Michael Ian Black in your most favorite ever comedy: Wet Hot American Summer. That movie made us all pee our pants, by "us" I mean me and my gang of invisible friends.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Youtube Crazy Person of the Day

Can someone please explain what's going on with this Korean Beyonce wannabe? I'm very confused.

Jessica Biel's Stripper Movie

A lot of actresses probably jumped at this role. Girls like stripping, and they all secretly want to be strippers. Have you heard about the stripper workout craze? These "just for women" classes are cropping up all over the country in national gym chains, private gyms, and suzy-the-ex-stripper's living room. Girls are buying their own stripper poles and erecting them in their living rooms. I'm not even kidding, my waitress at Jones Cafe, this adorable 25 year old tart who looked like a farm bred creature of purity,was more than excited to tell us about her new stripping class and the pole in her living room - as we were trying to finish our Hangar Steak.
Jessica Biel - drank the juice, and donned some lucite heels for this flick: Powder Blue:

Is This Funny?

What do you think? OMG LOL or eh,Over it?

Ginnifer Goodwin Kicks Sleezeball to Curb

I used to be friendly with Ginnifer Goodwin, she's an absolute birdpie, gemstar sweet creature of the light. Once at a holiday party at her pad, I initiated a game of Spin the Dreidel - it's like spin the bottle but with a Dreidel. It was hot. Topher Grace was all sorts of boring at that party.
Anyway, so glad she dumped the loser that is Chris Klein. She's way more talented, hot, and delicious than that gross-ball.

$12,000 Gets You Anne Hathaway, Shit-Faced

Last night I went to the Trevor Project's Cracked Christmas fund raising gala/show. I looked really good.
Anne Hathaway surprised all the guests by coming onto stage after the auction that Rachel Zoe tried to moderate, and sold herself to the highest bidder. She urged the crowd to pony up, give to a good cause, and you'd get a day of fun with her to get shit-faced, hang out, and do whatever. Some benevolent table of gays gave $12,000 to get sloshed with the cutie pie. What a trooper that Anne Hathaway. What a gemstar of true delight. She actually cared she was there, and went above and beyond to help the charity out. Rachel Zoe was a bumbling fool.
Other guests at the event were Selma Blair, Sigourney Weaver who was honored with some award for being super, and Fantasia Barino who sang something, I left and hung out in the lobby during her set. Oh! Wanda Sykes did a bit after the Spring Awakening kids sang that Totally Fucked song. Wanda was hysterical.

Turn Your Pets into Danity Kane!

OMG WTF LMAO TTYL BRB

Why Are Pictures/Videos of Cats so Hilarious?

The Interweb offers many laughs, but who would have thought that the often detestable, selfish, rude and sharp-clawed/toothed canine creatures would be among my favorites?

LOLCATS brings the chuckles to me.

Woman: I showered with teen boys, but never touched them

Moms Gone Wild! Moms Gone Wild!

The case of a 39-year-old single mom who fooled around with two boys at a sleepover has gone to trial and the jury is about to deliberate. Her tale of what happened is much different from the boys'story. From the article: "Angela Honeycutt was in the shower with a second boy, who was 14 at the time. The boy testified that Honeycutt kissed and masturbated him in the shower."
Read all about it: (Philadelphia Inquirer)

The 15-year-old boy involved testified yesterday that Honeycutt had stripped to her waist and asked if anyone wanted to shower with her. "I said, 'I will,' " he said.

What 15 year old drunk boy would not say yes?

Crazy creepy honeycutt lady says she took a shower with the boy but did not touch him. This "defense" would be like Katy Perry singing, "I thought about kissing a girl and how I might like it, but I didn't do it"

Brilliance At Its Best

Someone email this video to my mother please.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

The Toy I Want for Christmas....

No words are needed to describe the amazingness of the above figurine.

Cityrag has an awesome Britney Upskirt Festival going on.

Save Doggies, Save Felicity

Saving dogs from euthanization, Hollywood, and Christmas have always been hot for eachother. So it's no surprise that your favorite desperate housewife Felicity Huffman is hawking her mug for Iams most recent doggy saving adventure. First the important stuff and then we'll discuss Desperate Housewives.

• As many as 4 million orphaned dogs and cats will be euthanized this year due to shelter overcrowding
• For anyone interested in adopting a purebred dog, it’s helpful to know that more than a quarter of all dogs in animal shelters are purebreds

So if you're gonna get a dog, adopt one from a shelter. Plain and simple, yo. I adopted Zoe my greyhound from the racetrack where they might have killed her for not being number one anymore. Speaking of greyhounds, I'm going to be dressed as Santa on December 13th at Petco for the Greysave picture with Santa event. You bring your dog to get a picture with me, and the group I got my Greyhound from gets five dollars. I know, I'm rather cherubic to play Santa - but who said Santa can't be sexy?

So now let's discuss how Desperate Housewives has become desperate to boost ratings by making their plotline a glorified soap opera....I LOVE IT! It's seriously so entertaining, I love Brie Van De Kamp's rise from the ashes like a phoenix from the flame, Edie's psycho new husband, Eva Longoria's fat suit, all of it! It's so much delicious fun. Felicity is by far the best actress on the show - she does have an Oscar nod - but I have to say my favorite character is indeed Brie Van De Kamp. Marcia Cross's forehead is gigantic, and I love it.

Huffman has partnered with a global pet adoption campaign — Iams Home 4 the Holidays — to help place 1 million homeless animals into loving homes during the 2008 holiday season. The adoption of Huffman's black Labrador mix inspired her to help raise awareness about the millions of orphaned pets throughout North America. Go save Doggies.